Thursday, November 4, 2010

A bit about me..

Where to begin..Well I'm a first year university student and I'm realizing that I really need to get my shit together. I feel like so much is falling into place in my life right now. So far I've been doing great in school, I have a great boyfriend who I have been with for over 2 years now and I'm getting over the initial homesickness of living on campus. But everyday I wake up and I hate my body; I feel uncomfortable, big, awkward in my own skin. I'm disgusted by what I see in the mirror. That fat girl can't possibly be me, I would never let things get this bad...But I did. And here's how it happened. 

My struggles with weight and food started around 7th grade. I was around 130 lbs and 5'1, and I got teased a bit for not looking like the rest of the stick thin girls at my school. That summer I decided to make a major change; I did intense cardio everyday and was super strict about what I put into my mouth. I went back to school that next year at 101.5 lbs and a size 2. I still remember the day I stepped on the scale and saw that number. It was a feeling that I cannot even describe. It was happiness. But even then I don't remember feeling "skinny", even at my lowest weight. 

Over the next few years my weight slowly crept up again, and by grade 11 I was around 130 lbs and 5'3. I was dancing competitively at the time and though I was not fat, I was never as thin as the tiny dancers around me. This is around the time that I started dating my current boyfriend and he helped me want to stay thin. I didn't want to eat a lot around him, I wanted to be thin and beautiful so he would always love me. I even lost weight because of him. Then in grade 12, I quit dance. And that's where things got bad. Me and my boyfriend had been happy for over a year, and I was sure that he would love me now matter what I looked like. So I just started eating. Whatever I wanted, all the time. For the first time in a long time, I just let myself eat without thinking about it. I slowly worked my way up to  my current weight which I would say it around 165 lbs (I don't have a scale at the moment). And now I look in the mirror and I know this isn't me. I feel like I am lost in a body that doesn't belong to me. I want to get back to who I am, to who I know I can be. I feel like I'm wasting away my life being unhappy when I have the power to change it. And that is what I plan to do. 

I want this blog to be a place where I can keep track of my progress, get and give support, and provide some motivation for myself and others. I plan on doing some fashion and celebrity posts as well because that's where I find a lot of my motivation. I need to lose weight and end my addiction to food for good. Because I can't take another day in this body. 

1 comment:

  1. Good luck with your weight loss journey. It really helps to weigh yourself but dont be deceived by the water weight gain......those are a killer