Sunday, December 25, 2011

Happy Holidays.

Happy Holidays lovelies <3 Hope you get everything you wished for.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Why we do it.

For slim faces and collarbones.

For thighs that don't touch.
For tight, flat stomachs.

To look good naked. 
 To wear whatever the fuck we want.

 To know you're the hottest bitch in the room. 

Because failure is not an option.
I just needed to remind myself what's at stake here. Everyday is an opportunity. An opportunity to get a little bit closer to your goals, your dreams, your best self. Don't waste it. 

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Like mother, like daughter.

I was talking to a friend last night and I realized that I have a lot of reasons to be fucked up, about food, in relationships. I love my mom, I really do. She was like my best friend for a long time...but she was young when she had me, and she made some mistakes that I try to pretend didn't have an effect on me. She's beautiful, but never been stick thin. She has a curvy figure that she's always fought, instilling in me that thinner is better. But she's always struggled, never kept the weight off, maintained a love/hate relationship with food. I can remember times when there would be only nuts and organic fruit in the house because she was on a health kick...and then there are times when she would give up and everything would go to hell. I can remember when I was young, maybe middle school, we would go and get a medium four cheese pizza from our favorite place..then we would go to the grocery store and get sour cream and onion Ruffles, 2 pints of Haagen Dazs ice cream (we would each get a different flavor and then we would each eat half and switch), diet coke and chocolate. Then we would rent a movie, climb in her bed and just eat. By the end of the night, almost nothing remained. And I thought that was normal. I never knew when I'd be going with her to the gym or to pick up a pizza. And that is where I learned to abuse food. Food as a fun activity and a comfort. Food as a friend...and an enemy. After getting down to my lowest weight one summer (101) I remember coming home from school in grade 7 and binging on oatmeal until I felt sick. Then going to ballet class and looking in the mirror and hating my body. My thighs, my stomach. I don't remember a time when I ever felt thin, even when people were complimenting me, asking me how I lost so much weight. I cannot remember a time when I didn't care about food, didn't think and obsess about what I was eating and not eating. I go into everyday thinking about whether this will be a good day or a bad food day. I envy those people who don't give it a second thought. Eat when they're hungry, stop when they're satisfied..don't have thoughts that are consumed by food. "All or nothing" is not a healthy way to relate to food. And it doesn't help that at times she would just got off on me and tell me I'm lazy, a bad person, no personality, no friends, a terrible, ungrateful daughter...the list goes on. 

Then they're were the men in her life. I never knew my dad, he was never in the picture. But there sure were a lot of boyfriends. And a lot of moving in and out of their homes. I think I've moved about 14 times in my life. Don't worry, I don't think kids need a stable home or anything...meanwhile she involved me in all of her relationship problems, treated me like a girlfriend instead of a daughter. I remember one morning I woke up for school and saw a guy I had never seen before and never saw again leaving her room. Oh and the many times this guy came to visit who I knew had a wife and kids back home. I wasn't stupid. I knew what they were doing when I went to sleep. I guess I should have put 2 and 2 together, eh? Like mother, like daughter.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Keep me sane.

Everything feels so overwhelming and confusing right now...I feel kind of lost about everything, out of control in every aspect of my life. I haven't weighed myself, the scale won't be kind to me. And I have no idea how next semester is going to go with my boyfriend gone for 4 months...I don't know what do to, who to be...he keeps me sane. I feel so much guilt over cheating on him and it's worse when I'm alone. But then again what cures guilt and loneliness better than putting on my highest heels, getting drunk and finding comfort in the arms (and bed) of someone else. Am I that girl? Am I the crazy drunk flirt getting drinks from guys at bars...or girl who stays home to cuddle her boyfriend and watch movies all night? I love him so much, even though that might be hard to believe. I'm just lost

I don't know if I ever told you guys what happened but I feel like you need to know, considering my current situation. The guy I cheated on him with was dating one of my friends at the time. I know it sounds bad..well it is bad I suppose. I had always sort of found him attractive since we met but we were always just friends..I even helped him pick out presents for his girlfriend. I always just thought he saw me as his girlfriend's friend. It started out with texts that got a little too friendly...I was honestly shocked he was even interested, my friend is tiny, although she does have an unfortunate nose...Anyways, one thing led to another and we eventually progressed to hooking up. The thing is, it's different with him. I actually care about him. It's not one of those raunchy one nightstand experiences that ends in hangovers and regret. Maybe that's worse..that I actually have feelings for him. He's single right now..and my boyfriend is going to be in a different city for 4 months. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to.  

But there is one thing I know. I want to use these 4 months to lose the weight. 10 pounds a month is my goal and I feel like there is really no excuse not to get there. Maybe all my problems will seem less important when I look in the mirror and see the hot bitch that I'm meant to be lol. This is the only part of my life that I feel like I have any control over right now so I better do a fucking good job of it. I'm really going to try to do this the healthy way and end my cycle of binging out of control and then over restricting. So if anyone cares, here is the plan.

  • 1200 Net calories per day - log weight and calories daily
  • Try to eat as healthy, fresh foods as much as possible - no crap diet food with no nutritional value
  • Max. 1 diet pop per day and 1 low-cal hot beverage when needed - lots of water
  • Start out with cardio (elliptical) Monday, Wednesday and Friday for 45 minutes
  •  Weight circuit Tuesday, Thursday, Satursday 

So what do you guys think? I think it's totally doable and I should be able to maintain it long term. I'm starting out with moderate cardio and one day of rest so that when my weight loss slows or plateaus I can bump up the time and/or add the extra day. See this is what I know how to do..plan, count, measure, (hopefully) lose weight. Sorting through the rest of my life just seems like an overwhelming task. So I'll leave that for another day. Maybe. 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

A New Month.

I love the first of the month. So many plans, so many goals. Optimism, motivation, and determination seem to reach their peak on this day...until the 2nd when we realize it's just another month, the same as the last. Same temptations, same excuses. But not this time. This time everything changes. This time we're going to do it. 

For the first time in my life I'm going to be living alone, and it could really go either way. It could be used as an excuse to binge and spiral into a depression of self-hatred...or it could be the time I change my life. There is no excuse not to go to the gym when there is no one to come home to, no excuse to buy junk food when there is no one to buy it for. So why not? Why not make this the happiest 4 months of my life? By summer I could be 115. I could be slipping into a pair of size 2 jeans in a mere 4 months. So what's stopping me? What stops anyone from reaching their goals? Nothing. Their is absolutely nothing stopping me from reaching my goals except myself. I'm not going to keep myself from success any longer. I'm not going to let my insecurities stop me from even trying. I can do this. We can do this. So, why not?

The goals:
- Go to the gym at least 3 times per week
- Don't buy any junk food, if it's not in the house you can't eat it
- Track my calories everyday
- Put pictures of my idols on the fridge 
- Lose 40 lbs in the 4 months my boyfriend is gone
- Get a part time job so I can improve my resume and buy new clothes for my new body
- Get at least an A in all my courses

 I want this and now is as good a time as any. In 4 months, I can be the person I want to be. I could look in the mirror and love myself, be proud of the body I earned. So I'm gonna do it. I'm going to put myself first and transform my body and my soul. You coming?


Monday, November 28, 2011

Don't stop until he cares.

CW: 157.5

I know, disgusting. But don't worry girls, soon I'll have 4 months to eat and do whatever the fuck I want, and lose as much weight as I can because my boyfriend is leaving. He took a job in another city for next semester even though he got offered a job here. Staying here with me is worth less than $3 more an hour I guess. Before I was pissed, and sad thinking about coming home to an empty apartment every night. But you know what, I'm going to make the best of this. In 4 months I'm going to lose 40 pounds. I'm going to lose so much that everyone will be worried about me, he will be worried about me. I'm going to need your help and support more than ever, I can't do this alone. But I want this. I'm back in the mindset I was when I lost my first 20 lbs. I'm going to the gym tonight. And everyday until we go home for Christmas break. My goal is to be under 150 by December 14. Then to be 115 by the end of April. I'm fucking tired of squeezing into skinny jeans that give me a disgusting muffin top. I'm tired of feeling fat and disgusting in anything fitted. I want to be hot. 

I told him I want to see other people during the 4 months he is away. Mostly I just think I can't stay faithful with him being gone that long and I'd rather not have guilt fucking up my weight loss. I also want to get a part time job so I can buy fabulous clothes to fit my fabulous new body. It's going to be a busy semester but busy is good. Busy means not sitting at home thinking about food. I want to see it. 115. The day when I look down at the scale and see that number will be a happy one. Let's do it bitches.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Back to work.

CW: 155.5 

I don't know how that happened. I haven't been exercising. Or watching what I eat. But I haven't gained. I think it's a gift, a second chance. I need to get back to basics, to what I really want. What I really want is to get to 115. What I really want is to go into a store, see something I like, grab a size small and look amazing.  I've found my motivation again, and what I really want is to see thin in the mirror and lower numbers on the scale. Even though I haven't gained I'm miserable. I feel like a failure when I'm not working out and counting calories. I don't know who I am without that. 

So what have I missed? I applied for a job at a clothing store, even got an interview. Haven't heard back from them yet but I'm really hoping I get the job. I basically want it so that I have money to shop. Right now I have enough money to go to school, pay the bills and buy groceries but I want to be able to buy the clothes that I want. I want a closet full of beautiful, tiny clothes that I look hot in. I'm not buying anything until I at least get to 145. That's the deal I made with myself. The only downside to getting the job is I will be super busy and I probably won't be able to go see my family over Christmas break :/ Living with the boyfriend has been going really well, although I did slip up once. I really love him, I'm going to try and make this work. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow. I'm so excited, I've missed her a lot. It's only for a few days though which sucks, I know I'm not going to want to leave.

I'm tired of maintaining, I want to see bones. It's time to get back to work. I know what I want now, and it's not this.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

My dream..

I just want to be skinny.

I just want to be beautiful.
I just want to be irresistible.  
Is that too much to ask?


Thursday, October 6, 2011

I have to do this.

So I've decided there is no choice here. I have to do this. I have tons of clothes in my closest that I want so badly to fit into again. Specifically a pair of dark skinny jeans and a hot red dress that I just bought for going out. I need to be able to go and buy a sexy fitted dress and not have to worry about my body. I want to be proud of it. I want to be confident, happy, beautiful, smart. I just want to be as close to perfect as I can get and the fact that I'm not moving in the right direction right now is stressing me out. After tomorrow I have 2 weeks with no exams, no assignments. I'm going to focus hard on losing weight and I'm going to do it. I'm going to get to 150 and beyond. I'm going to get myself to where I want to be and I'm going to be happy again. I don't want to go back, I need to move forward. No looking back. You have to be skinny to wear skinny jeans.