I was talking to a friend last night and I realized that I have a lot of reasons to be fucked up, about food, in relationships. I love my mom, I really do. She was like my best friend for a long time...but she was young when she had me, and she made some mistakes that I try to pretend didn't have an effect on me. She's beautiful, but never been stick thin. She has a curvy figure that she's always fought, instilling in me that thinner is better. But she's always struggled, never kept the weight off, maintained a love/hate relationship with food. I can remember times when there would be only nuts and organic fruit in the house because she was on a health kick...and then there are times when she would give up and everything would go to hell. I can remember when I was young, maybe middle school, we would go and get a medium four cheese pizza from our favorite place..then we would go to the grocery store and get sour cream and onion Ruffles, 2 pints of Haagen Dazs ice cream (we would each get a different flavor and then we would each eat half and switch), diet coke and chocolate. Then we would rent a movie, climb in her bed and just eat. By the end of the night, almost nothing remained. And I thought that was normal. I never knew when I'd be going with her to the gym or to pick up a pizza. And that is where I learned to abuse food. Food as a fun activity and a comfort. Food as a friend...and an enemy. After getting down to my lowest weight one summer (101) I remember coming home from school in grade 7 and binging on oatmeal until I felt sick. Then going to ballet class and looking in the mirror and hating my body. My thighs, my stomach. I don't remember a time when I ever felt thin, even when people were complimenting me, asking me how I lost so much weight. I cannot remember a time when I didn't care about food, didn't think and obsess about what I was eating and not eating. I go into everyday thinking about whether this will be a good day or a bad food day. I envy those people who don't give it a second thought. Eat when they're hungry, stop when they're satisfied..don't have thoughts that are consumed by food. "All or nothing" is not a healthy way to relate to food. And it doesn't help that at times she would just got off on me and tell me I'm lazy, a bad person, no personality, no friends, a terrible, ungrateful daughter...the list goes on.
Then they're were the men in her life. I never knew my dad, he was never in the picture. But there sure were a lot of boyfriends. And a lot of moving in and out of their homes. I think I've moved about 14 times in my life. Don't worry, I don't think kids need a stable home or anything...meanwhile she involved me in all of her relationship problems, treated me like a girlfriend instead of a daughter. I remember one morning I woke up for school and saw a guy I had never seen before and never saw again leaving her room. Oh and the many times this guy came to visit who I knew had a wife and kids back home. I wasn't stupid. I knew what they were doing when I went to sleep. I guess I should have put 2 and 2 together, eh? Like mother, like daughter.