Sunday, December 18, 2011

Like mother, like daughter.

I was talking to a friend last night and I realized that I have a lot of reasons to be fucked up, about food, in relationships. I love my mom, I really do. She was like my best friend for a long time...but she was young when she had me, and she made some mistakes that I try to pretend didn't have an effect on me. She's beautiful, but never been stick thin. She has a curvy figure that she's always fought, instilling in me that thinner is better. But she's always struggled, never kept the weight off, maintained a love/hate relationship with food. I can remember times when there would be only nuts and organic fruit in the house because she was on a health kick...and then there are times when she would give up and everything would go to hell. I can remember when I was young, maybe middle school, we would go and get a medium four cheese pizza from our favorite place..then we would go to the grocery store and get sour cream and onion Ruffles, 2 pints of Haagen Dazs ice cream (we would each get a different flavor and then we would each eat half and switch), diet coke and chocolate. Then we would rent a movie, climb in her bed and just eat. By the end of the night, almost nothing remained. And I thought that was normal. I never knew when I'd be going with her to the gym or to pick up a pizza. And that is where I learned to abuse food. Food as a fun activity and a comfort. Food as a friend...and an enemy. After getting down to my lowest weight one summer (101) I remember coming home from school in grade 7 and binging on oatmeal until I felt sick. Then going to ballet class and looking in the mirror and hating my body. My thighs, my stomach. I don't remember a time when I ever felt thin, even when people were complimenting me, asking me how I lost so much weight. I cannot remember a time when I didn't care about food, didn't think and obsess about what I was eating and not eating. I go into everyday thinking about whether this will be a good day or a bad food day. I envy those people who don't give it a second thought. Eat when they're hungry, stop when they're satisfied..don't have thoughts that are consumed by food. "All or nothing" is not a healthy way to relate to food. And it doesn't help that at times she would just got off on me and tell me I'm lazy, a bad person, no personality, no friends, a terrible, ungrateful daughter...the list goes on. 

Then they're were the men in her life. I never knew my dad, he was never in the picture. But there sure were a lot of boyfriends. And a lot of moving in and out of their homes. I think I've moved about 14 times in my life. Don't worry, I don't think kids need a stable home or anything...meanwhile she involved me in all of her relationship problems, treated me like a girlfriend instead of a daughter. I remember one morning I woke up for school and saw a guy I had never seen before and never saw again leaving her room. Oh and the many times this guy came to visit who I knew had a wife and kids back home. I wasn't stupid. I knew what they were doing when I went to sleep. I guess I should have put 2 and 2 together, eh? Like mother, like daughter.


  1. o_O I tink your mom lacked some maturity when she had you!

    mine always said 'don't eat you'll get fat' lol

    to each its own !^^

  2. I'm sorry you're mom wasn't always the most mature, but you sure made me feel better that I'm not the only one with mommy issues lol. I had a stay at home dad and a mom who was always at work, when she came home she always treated me like one of her (medical school) students. She couldn't name 2 of my friends first and last names if she tried and has never been able to pick out any kind of gift I would remotely like. And today, she told me, in front of my sister, that despite everyone saying she's the prettier one, if I would only lose some weight, I could definitely model. Thanks mom, you made BOTH of us feel like shit with that.

    AHHH Sorry for that mom rant on your page!! But those of us with mommy issues have to stick together! My ex boyfriend used to tell me girls with mommy issues were better than girls with daddy issues, because not only were they sluts, they also don't eat (hot), drink a lot (uhh fun?) and have bicurious tendencies (idk why he thinks I'm a closet bi, probs just wanted a 3someeee)

    Haha okay seriously! sorry for the novel!! I hope you have a great day!!


  3. I'm convinced my mum is one of the reasons I have weight problems but it would destroy her if she knew and knew the extent of my issues. It must be hard being a mum and trying to make sure your issues don't rub off on your kids (in my case). xx

  4. You probably don't have as much in common with your mother as you think. And even if you do, you realize who you are and you have the capacity to change. It's easier to change habits when you're young. I'm sorry your mom wasn't always there for you how you needed her.

  5. I guess you could if you really wanted to, blame your habits on her.

  6. I think we can all relate our problems to our parents in some way. But sweetie, you can turn it around. You don't have to be a mess. You can have control <3