Monday, November 28, 2011

Don't stop until he cares.

CW: 157.5

I know, disgusting. But don't worry girls, soon I'll have 4 months to eat and do whatever the fuck I want, and lose as much weight as I can because my boyfriend is leaving. He took a job in another city for next semester even though he got offered a job here. Staying here with me is worth less than $3 more an hour I guess. Before I was pissed, and sad thinking about coming home to an empty apartment every night. But you know what, I'm going to make the best of this. In 4 months I'm going to lose 40 pounds. I'm going to lose so much that everyone will be worried about me, he will be worried about me. I'm going to need your help and support more than ever, I can't do this alone. But I want this. I'm back in the mindset I was when I lost my first 20 lbs. I'm going to the gym tonight. And everyday until we go home for Christmas break. My goal is to be under 150 by December 14. Then to be 115 by the end of April. I'm fucking tired of squeezing into skinny jeans that give me a disgusting muffin top. I'm tired of feeling fat and disgusting in anything fitted. I want to be hot. 

I told him I want to see other people during the 4 months he is away. Mostly I just think I can't stay faithful with him being gone that long and I'd rather not have guilt fucking up my weight loss. I also want to get a part time job so I can buy fabulous clothes to fit my fabulous new body. It's going to be a busy semester but busy is good. Busy means not sitting at home thinking about food. I want to see it. 115. The day when I look down at the scale and see that number will be a happy one. Let's do it bitches.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Back to work.

CW: 155.5 

I don't know how that happened. I haven't been exercising. Or watching what I eat. But I haven't gained. I think it's a gift, a second chance. I need to get back to basics, to what I really want. What I really want is to get to 115. What I really want is to go into a store, see something I like, grab a size small and look amazing.  I've found my motivation again, and what I really want is to see thin in the mirror and lower numbers on the scale. Even though I haven't gained I'm miserable. I feel like a failure when I'm not working out and counting calories. I don't know who I am without that. 

So what have I missed? I applied for a job at a clothing store, even got an interview. Haven't heard back from them yet but I'm really hoping I get the job. I basically want it so that I have money to shop. Right now I have enough money to go to school, pay the bills and buy groceries but I want to be able to buy the clothes that I want. I want a closet full of beautiful, tiny clothes that I look hot in. I'm not buying anything until I at least get to 145. That's the deal I made with myself. The only downside to getting the job is I will be super busy and I probably won't be able to go see my family over Christmas break :/ Living with the boyfriend has been going really well, although I did slip up once. I really love him, I'm going to try and make this work. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow. I'm so excited, I've missed her a lot. It's only for a few days though which sucks, I know I'm not going to want to leave.

I'm tired of maintaining, I want to see bones. It's time to get back to work. I know what I want now, and it's not this.