I don't know how that happened. I haven't been exercising. Or watching what I eat. But I haven't gained. I think it's a gift, a second chance. I need to get back to basics, to what I really want. What I really want is to get to 115. What I really want is to go into a store, see something I like, grab a size small and look amazing. I've found my motivation again, and what I really want is to see thin in the mirror and lower numbers on the scale. Even though I haven't gained I'm miserable. I feel like a failure when I'm not working out and counting calories. I don't know who I am without that.
So what have I missed? I applied for a job at a clothing store, even got an interview. Haven't heard back from them yet but I'm really hoping I get the job. I basically want it so that I have money to shop. Right now I have enough money to go to school, pay the bills and buy groceries but I want to be able to buy the clothes that I want. I want a closet full of beautiful, tiny clothes that I look hot in. I'm not buying anything until I at least get to 145. That's the deal I made with myself. The only downside to getting the job is I will be super busy and I probably won't be able to go see my family over Christmas break :/ Living with the boyfriend has been going really well, although I did slip up once. I really love him, I'm going to try and make this work. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow. I'm so excited, I've missed her a lot. It's only for a few days though which sucks, I know I'm not going to want to leave.
I'm tired of maintaining, I want to see bones. It's time to get back to work. I know what I want now, and it's not this.