Thursday, September 22, 2011


CW: 157.5
GW 2: -2.5
GW 6: -42.5

I'm sorry for neglecting you guys. I have been reading about your lives when I get a chance but life is busy. I don't get much time without my boyfriend around. I wanted to be at my 2nd goal weight before I posted again so I'm sorry for letting you down. I'll make it up to you with lots of awesome thinspo ;) The only reason I'm not already there is because I spend half the weekend drunk and eating crap. I still have 42.5 lbs to lose, I can't afford setbacks every weekend. I think I'm just going to stay home and watch movies with my boyfriend and study this weekend. I'm so anxious to get to 155 and beyond..I've been stuck here for a while. I'm still sticking to around 1200 calories a day and I've been doing an hour of elliptical 6 days a week. I'll add weights back in once I lose some weight, I just need to get some pounds off before I lose motivation. 

Thank you girls so much for your support on my last post, for not judging me. I'm glad I'm not alone and that there are people out there who understand. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about how I was feeling. I didn't tell him about the guy but I told him that I sometimes feel like we never got to be single and just have fun, that we maybe missed out on figuring out what we want. Well that didn't work. He bawled his eyes out. He's a pretty manly guy, 6'1, 190 lbs and he was laying in our bed crying. He was basically like I know your the one, I love you so much, I never want to lose you...I really don't know what to do. I love him, I know that much. But I also can't just ignore the fact that when I go out and drink I want to hook up with other guys. Today is going to be a tough day. I don't have any classes on Thursday, so I'm home alone all day. I just want to eat so I don't have to think. I want to be numb for a while. But I also want more than anything to be thin..maybe I can convince myself not to. Let's make a list, I'm a fan of lists.

I want to lose weight to:
1. Fit into clothes I haven't worn in ages
2. Feel confident and love my body
3. Look great in anything
4. Feel sexy naked
5. See a gap between my thighs and ribs through my shirt
6. See old friends and look amazing and thin
7. Hear "You're so skinny!"
8. Be able to wear a bikini
9. Have guys want me
10. Be confident enough to meet new people and make friends

I have so much homework to do but I'm so tired. I just want to curl up in bed and wake up when I'm thin. Here's some wintery thinspo. Maybe by winter I'll be skinny. Love you girls. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011


CW: 159.5

Yes, I have finally left behind the 160's (hopefully for good) but I find that I can't be happy right now. I'm emotional, lost, confused and all I want to do is drown my feelings in Oreos. I went out on the weekend with a friend to a BBQ at a fraternity and then to a club later. I drank, danced, met a hot guy. We made out a little on the dance floor and he wanted to take me home. I was tempted, backed out at the last second. Then my boyfriend came and picked me up. Slut. I can't sort it all out in my head. I feel dirty, could I do this to my loving, amazing boyfriend? But that feeling of him wanting me, of his hands all over me. These are the only times I feel beautiful, like I have worth. After it's all over, I feel like shit. 

My boyfriend and I were each others first and only...until I cheated on him. I had a dream last night that he found a text in my phone from the guy that I slept with and I had to tell him everything. In the end of the dream he had forgiven me but everything felt wrong, nothing was the same. Do I even love him anymore? He's been my first and only real boyfriend, how would I even know? But then again what if he is the greatest guy I will ever meet? What if he's the one and I let him slip away? Maybe it has nothing to do with him at all..maybe it's just a way to cope with all my insecurities and issues. I feel like he's great, so great but that I missed out. I never got to be single, have fun with guys. I wish I had met him at 25. I want to binge so badly, these feelings are too much. 

Saturday, September 3, 2011


CW: 161.2

I'm currently in bed sipping 10 cal Gatorade and nursing the first hangover of the year. Sorry that it took so long to post again but we've been getting stuff for our place and running errands everyday since we moved in. The bf and I have also been hitting the gym and have a new routine we've been trying out. Monday, Wednesday and Friday is a weight training circuit that works the whole body, plus 30 minutes of cardio and abs. Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday is 60 minutes of cardio. Sunday is a recovery day. Luckily I didn't gain too much when I was unable to work out and count calories, and now I'm back down to a new low. The scale we have here is pretty inaccurate and only weighs to 0.5 of a pound, so I've been weighing myself at the gym after my workouts. That's going to be the weight I go by from now on even though it won't be first thing in the morning or without clothes on. I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still here, reading a few blogs when I get a moment to myself. I'll have more time to blog and stuff once classes start and my boyfriend and I aren't together 24/7.

Our apartment turned out great, I'm really happy. They painted and replaced all the flooring before we moved in so it almost feels like new. We got lucky and got some really nice furniture from my family and his, and it's starting to feel like home. Anyways, I think I'm gonna take some Advil and try and catch a couple hours more sleep...I'm so useless when I'm hungover lol. Hope you girls are doing great <3