Yes, I have finally left behind the 160's (hopefully for good) but I find that I can't be happy right now. I'm emotional, lost, confused and all I want to do is drown my feelings in Oreos. I went out on the weekend with a friend to a BBQ at a fraternity and then to a club later. I drank, danced, met a hot guy. We made out a little on the dance floor and he wanted to take me home. I was tempted, backed out at the last second. Then my boyfriend came and picked me up. Slut. I can't sort it all out in my head. I feel dirty, guilty..how could I do this to my loving, amazing boyfriend? But that feeling of him wanting me, of his hands all over me. These are the only times I feel beautiful, like I have worth. After it's all over, I feel like shit.
My boyfriend and I were each others first and only...until I cheated on him. I had a dream last night that he found a text in my phone from the guy that I slept with and I had to tell him everything. In the end of the dream he had forgiven me but everything felt wrong, nothing was the same. Do I even love him anymore? He's been my first and only real boyfriend, how would I even know? But then again what if he is the greatest guy I will ever meet? What if he's the one and I let him slip away? Maybe it has nothing to do with him at all..maybe it's just a way to cope with all my insecurities and issues. I feel like he's great, so great but that I missed out. I never got to be single, have fun with guys. I wish I had met him at 25. I want to binge so badly, these feelings are too much.
hope things get better! stay strong!!
ReplyDelete<3
hope it all works out <3
ReplyDeleteI slept with someone a long time ago too. I try to forget about it. After that I had a serious talk with Boy about my monogamy issues. My theory is that if I get to kiss someone else every so often, it'll help me stay close to Boy. Twisted, but I need extra sparks sometimes. I know that feeling you described, of being wanted and touched and powerful. I'm sorry you go through this weird stuff too. Email me if you ever want to talk @ countmybones@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteYou're not a slut. You're just confused. And you have every right to work things out the way you need to.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much for this post. Is it exactly what I went though a couple years ago. Except my BF DID find the text... he forgave me, we had another amazing year together, and then I cheated on him again...
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to figure things out when you're so young.. I used to wish I met my ex when I was 25 too.
You'll figure out what you need to do for yourself. Personally Im glad I had my "slut year". I learned so much from it and grew up a lot. But it's different for everybody.
I love you and hope you figure everything out! I'm always here for you if you need to talk :)
Also, good luck with the emotional eating.. I know what a bitch it can be. I usually try and force myself to go on a walk with a huge bottle of water before I end up eating all I own... it works, kindaaa haha :)