Friday, August 31, 2012

CW: 154.8

Every day is a choice...

Who do you want to be?

Remain the same...

Or make it happen.

Average or exceptional,

Weak or strong...

What do you choose today?

Sunday, August 19, 2012

2 Weeks

CW: 155.8 lbs

Well, it's a start. And I haven't been working all that hard lately to be honest. I've been eating pretty good but I'm just getting back to exercising. My plan is to do some form of exercise everyday until I go back home for school, which is in 2 weeks. My ex is picking me up from the airport...he offered, I accepted. Is that weird..? I've never done this whole break  up thing and I have mixed feelings about it to begin with. I'm thinking this could be a bad idea. But it's happening and I want to look as good as I possibly can by then. So no junk, no snacking and exercise everyday. I really want to see the 140's before I fly home on September 1st. I still have a long way to go but I think it would give me a good boost of motivation to keep going when I get home to see 149.9 on the scale. 

Speaking of going home I have SO much to do when I get there. The ex took the microwave, blender, toaster, pots, and glasses so I have to get all that stuff plus books for school, gym pass, parking's gonna be an expensive week. But I did get a couple scholarships and have saved all the money I've made this summer. What I really want to do is buy clothes but it seems like a waste of money when I'm this size :( Oh well, it will be a good reason to get the weight off. 

The breakup..I don't even know how I feel. What if I never find someone that loves me as unconditionally as he did? What if I never find anything better that what we had? Then at the same time, I know we want different things in life. I know that if I was really happy in our relationship, I wouldn't have had a wandering eye...I just don't like being alone. I've never had to live without him there. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.. Anyway, here's some random inspiration/things I'm obsessed with! Enjoy ;)

Brightly coloured hair <3 Don't think I could ever pull it off but I love it

Spiked Heels..On my wish list

Blinged out phone cases...Thinking about trying to make my own

Boyfriend watches and stacked bracelets <3 

Tattoos..I have such mixed feelings about them. I think they can be so beautiful but I don't 
know if they're me. And I would have no idea what to get. But I do adore them.

Skulls, black, blonde hair love. And of course thin is always in. 
We can be whoever we want to be...What have you done to get there today?

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Weigh In

CW: 157.6

I'm pretty happy with that number at the moment. At one point this summer I was up to 163 so it feels good to be back in the 150s. I've been eating healthy and walking this big hill with my mom a few times a week. I'm excited to get home and back to friends and my nice gym and freedom. I've loved spending time with my mom but I need to go out and have some fun. And I'm sick of working full time. 

My ex and I have been texting a bit and it's making things a little easier. Maybe we can be friends? He offered to pick me up from the airport when I fly home at the end of the summer so hopefully that works out and I can save the cab fare. And if it does work out, I need to look thinner and hotter than when he last saw me. So let's talk goals...

GW1: 145 by September 4 (when I start school)
GW2: 130 by October 31, 
GW3: 120 by Christmas break

Other goals:
-make some new friends and strengthen my relationships with old ones
-take a dance class
-get some cute house stuff for my apartment
-get all A+'s and A's again this semester
-don't skip any classes
-get a part time job
-whiten my teeth
-gym at least 5 days a week (every morning before class)
-get enough sleep
-take better care of myself in general (skin, hair, nails, teeth, body)

That gives me about 5 months to lose 37.6 lbs. I think that's totally doable. The first goal might be a little hard to hit, 12.6 in a little over a month, but I'm going to try. I really want to get some cute clothes for going back to school but I'm not going to until I hit my goal. 

My mom's current boyfriend bought her and I a day at the spa, so that should be fun! We both get to have a manicure, pedicure, facial, massage and sauna. That will be such a nice way to wrap up the summer. Now for some inspiration to keep us all motivated. 
Do it for short shorts <3

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Why is this so hard all of a sudden? I chose this, I wanted this. And I was so sure. Now...I'm not, I guess. Just thinking of all the things that will remind me of him makes me sad. I won't have him to laugh with, to tell about my day, to come home to. No one to turn to when I'm stressed, upset, lonely. But is he what I really want? I don't think so...I think I just want someone. I have to remind myself why I did this, that there was no spark left, we wanted different things, I'm not ready to settle down at 20...I couldn't stay faithful to him. Maybe I could have tried harder. I don't know. What I do know was that he was my life for 4 years. Now what? I just want to tell him how much I hate it all. That I'm sad and I want him to hold me and make everything okay. But I can't. It's over. I wonder if he still loves me. I wonder if I'll regret this one day or if I made the right decision. 

I haven't been exercising lately but I haven't been eating a whole lot either. I think I've lost, I'll weigh myself soon. I'll get back to exercising sometime in the next couple days. When I go back to school, I have pretty much the perfect schedule. I don't start class until 1:00pm everyday so I'll go to the gym in the morning and get it over with. I'll also be able to eat lunch at home, which is nice. I hope this sadness passes soon. I hope I can hold  back how I'm feeling about all this and just wait it out, see how it goes. Maybe one day we'll find our way to each other again. But for now I think this is the right thing. I hope it is. 


Saturday, July 14, 2012


He was only in town for a few hours. And we couldn't go to my place since my (now ex) boyfriend was sleeping in our bed. It was past midnight when he picked me up outside my apartment, after I'd made up something about going to see the girls that was barely believable. So where to? I know a parking lot that's private I'll tell you where to go. When we get there, we get out and he kisses me against the car. It takes my breath away. I haven't felt that spark, that heat in so long. When his hand slides up my dress I forget everything else. The world fades away and I'm lost. After our few hours together he takes me to Denny's for breakfast, the only thing open, and we watch the sun rise over pancakes. I can't help but wonder if the waitress notices his wedding ring.

Sunday, July 8, 2012


Well...where to even start. It's been so long. I'm sorry for the absence. I've missed reading about your lives and feeling connected to this world of support and non-judgement. It's hard to explain why I even left, it wasn't really a conscious decision. Life just happened I guess.

So I guess the biggest and most recent change in my life is that I am newly single. This past weekend I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and my first love. The boy I've been sharing my life with and planning my future with. I went to visit him last weekend, as I am spending the summer with my mom in another city, and I just knew it was over. There was just nothing left. No excitement to see him, no spark left in our kiss, no desire for him to touch me. Maybe it was all the months spent apart. Maybe it was the guilt of all the horrible things I've done to him over the years. I guess it doesn't really matter because I know this is what I have to do now. I am not willing to settle for a relationship without passion, without fire. I am too young to settle for a good companion for the rest of my life and in a moment of clarity I realized we both deserve better. For so long I ignored the issues, stayed with him and did what I wanted behind his back. It was just time.

So now I'm trying to get my life and my body back on track. Picking up the pieces and putting them together as best I can. I don't think I can be with anyone else until I am happy with myself. I haven't really gained much since my last post, maybe a few pounds. But I'm not any closer to where I want to be either. Maybe now that I'm free of an unhealthy relationship and the weight of guilt, I can build the life I really want for myself. 

I want friends. Real close friends that I feel close and connected to. Not just people that I keep around so I'm not alone. And I want to date. I want to find someone that gives me butterflies and makes me remember what love feels like. Most of all I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. Look at pictures of myself without feeling horrified and embarrassed. If I can accomplish that, I think the rest will follow. Because when I'm not spending my energy hiding and feeling self-conscious, maybe I'll be someone that others want to be around. I really just want to have a fun year. Feel free and happy and alive for once.

So I'm hoping to get to 140 by the end of August. And then get to 120-125 and see how I feel. I need to do this for myself, and for once I feel like i deserve it. Right now I'm on the right track to getting there. My mom and I have been walking this big hill about 5 times per week. It take about an hour so not a bad workout. And we've been eating pretty healthy. So far I've managed to stay out of my "it's never enough" mindset. I'm trying to do things moderately, hopefully I'll be content with slow and steady progress. I just need things to change. And I plan on making it happen. 


Saturday, July 7, 2012

Is anybody listening?

It's been so long that I've been gone. I feel like I need a place to share my thoughts, life, journey again...Is anybody listening?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Hey girls.

CW: 155.5

I've been so busy, stressed, sad, lonely...I've lost weight but I hate to admit not in a healthy way. For the past week I just haven't had an appetite which is really strange for me. Usually I love food..but there's just..nothing. I've been barely eating just because I have no interest. I don't think its a good sign that when I'm hungry my first instinct is no longer to eat. I think it's a combination of exhaustion, stress and loneliness. I have no motivation for anything right now. No desire to get out of bed in the morning, study,'s bad. I do find it comforting that I'm losing weight though. When everything else is falling down around me at least I have that. I'm sorry I've been neglecting I said I have zero motivation. I really hope you all are doing well, or at least better than I am. I'm so tired, my bed is calling my name..


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Back to class.

CW: 163

Classes are stressing me out. There is one that I really don't want to take but I can't find anything decent that fits my schedule to take instead. I'm on the wait list for a couple right now, so wish me luck. I'm also SUPER stressed about finding a job for the summer because I have to work full time for my program. Anyways, enough about that.

I convinced my bf to spend the money to come visit me this weekend :) I bribed him the cake and sex lol. I'm going to buy ingredients tomorrow to make a vanilla layer cake with vanilla butter cream. I'm hoping that I will be strong enough not to eat any, I'm pretty good at baking. I'm so happy he's coming, gives me something to look forward to. I know I'm going to want him to come every weekend but he probably shouldn't. The whole point of him being there for the semester is to save money for school. I just wish he was here.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


CW: 164

I already miss him so much and it's only been a couple days. Living alone is..lonely. I want him to come over and visit this weekend but the ferry costs money that he doesn't have yet. I'm debating paying for him because I really want to see him but I also don't want to seem needy and pathetic. I just wish he was here. I'm hoping that when school gets going and as time goes by it will be easier to be alone. 

Yesterday I got a new shower curtain, bath mat, clock and lamp for my apartment but I'm still on the hunt for chic purple couch cushions. I need to go to the bookstore to get my textbooks but I'm lazy and it's always so crazy busy this time of year. Tomorrow is my first day of classes and it's kind of a long day. I have no idea what I'm going to wear, nothing fits me right now. I literally have nothing to wear. But I don't want to spend any money on fat clothes :( This is what I get for eating crap for weeks I guess. Hope you guys are having a better day than me.

Monday, January 2, 2012


First of all I just want to thank you all for your amazing support and love, it made me feel so much better. I don't know what I do without you. I can't believe I gained so much over Christmas break. I guess I should have expected it, I basically had a 3 week binge. I don't even want to say...but I have to. I have to hold myself accountable to you guys, whether it's good news or bad. My starting weight for 2012 is

Yuck. So I have more weight to lose than I thought, 51 lbs to be exact. But I can do it, I want this. I got lots done today, including filling my fridge with healthy food. I also built the nightstand that I got from Ikea and am planning on going to look at some more stuff for my apartment today. I'm on a decorating kick...I want my apartment perfect and beautiful, just how I plan to be. So if I'm going to lose this weight by the time my boyfriend gets back in May I'll have to lose a little under 13 lbs a month. It's doable but difficult. I just need to work hard and stay dedicated.

Goal 1: 153 by February 1st
Goal 2: 140 by March 1st
Goal 3: 127 by April 1st
Goal 4: 115 by May 1st

May all our dreams come true in 2012, we deserve it.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year.

Well I started out the new year with a bang...literally. Drunken bad sex with a guy I don't love, text the boyfriend and tell him I slept with someone else, fall asleep in my new silk sheets now tainted with guilt and adultery. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable in that bed again, no matter how many times I try to wash that feeling away. But yeah, I told him. Not everything, not about everyone but I told him about last night. He was hurt, he cried but he says he forgives me. I can only hope that nothing will have changed when we see each other. It's day 2 of living on my own and I'm already lonely and sad and missing him. One good thing came from last night though..I know that he is what I want. I have no desire to cheat again, I don't want to risk what we have again. I just hope that I can live with the guilt of the others. I can't tell him everything, he was so hurt by this. Today was awful, binged on greasy pizza and cried on my couch over all the mistakes I've made this past year. Cried for all the time wasted thinking there was something better out there. There isn't. I want to come home to my best friend, I laugh with him everyday. He's the one. 

I did manage to get my stuff unpacked and my place pretty much organized. That always makes me feel better. I need order because the clutter in my head is too much to bear. Tomorrow I'll get groceries and my textbooks, keep busy to fight off the loneliness. I think I should get tested for STIs. I hate doctors and needles and the awkwardness of it all but I need to suck it up and do it. I just want to be sure. God I hope I don't have anything.

So tomorrow is the start of the new me, it's my January 1st. No cheating, no binging, no procrastinating, no being lazy. Take care of my body, learn to walk in heels, buy nice clothes. He deserves to have the best version of me and I'm happiest when I'm reaching my full potential. I'm going to be 115 when he moves back and I will be happy. I'm going to get straight A+s again, secure a job for the summer and I'm going to be thin. I have nothing else to do but focus all my time and energy on losing weight and doing well in school. If I can't be happy while he's gone, I'm at least going to be successful. I'll post my starting weight and all that tomorrow. So here's to the new year. Please let it be better than the last.