Well I started out the new year with a bang...literally. Drunken bad sex with a guy I don't love, text the boyfriend and tell him I slept with someone else, fall asleep in my new silk sheets now tainted with guilt and adultery. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable in that bed again, no matter how many times I try to wash that feeling away. But yeah, I told him. Not everything, not about everyone but I told him about last night. He was hurt, he cried but he says he forgives me. I can only hope that nothing will have changed when we see each other. It's day 2 of living on my own and I'm already lonely and sad and missing him. One good thing came from last night though..I know that he is what I want. I have no desire to cheat again, I don't want to risk what we have again. I just hope that I can live with the guilt of the others. I can't tell him everything, he was so hurt by this. Today was awful, binged on greasy pizza and cried on my couch over all the mistakes I've made this past year. Cried for all the time wasted thinking there was something better out there. There isn't. I want to come home to my best friend, I laugh with him everyday. He's the one.
I did manage to get my stuff unpacked and my place pretty much organized. That always makes me feel better. I need order because the clutter in my head is too much to bear. Tomorrow I'll get groceries and my textbooks, keep busy to fight off the loneliness. I think I should get tested for STIs. I hate doctors and needles and the awkwardness of it all but I need to suck it up and do it. I just want to be sure. God I hope I don't have anything.
So tomorrow is the start of the new me, it's my January 1st. No cheating, no binging, no procrastinating, no being lazy. Take care of my body, learn to walk in heels, buy nice clothes. He deserves to have the best version of me and I'm happiest when I'm reaching my full potential. I'm going to be 115 when he moves back and I will be happy. I'm going to get straight A+s again, secure a job for the summer and I'm going to be thin. I have nothing else to do but focus all my time and energy on losing weight and doing well in school. If I can't be happy while he's gone, I'm at least going to be successful. I'll post my starting weight and all that tomorrow. So here's to the new year. Please let it be better than the last.