Keep me sane.

Everything feels so overwhelming and confusing right now...I feel kind of lost about everything, out of control in every aspect of my life. I haven't weighed myself, the scale won't be kind to me. And I have no idea how next semester is going to go with my boyfriend gone for 4 months...I don't know what do to, who to be...he keeps me sane. I feel so much guilt over cheating on him and it's worse when I'm alone. But then again what cures guilt and loneliness better than putting on my highest heels, getting drunk and finding comfort in the arms (and bed) of someone else. Am I that girl? Am I the crazy drunk flirt getting drinks from guys at bars...or girl who stays home to cuddle her boyfriend and watch movies all night? I love him so much, even though that might be hard to believe. I'm just lost. 

I don't know if I ever told you guys what happened but I feel like you need to know, considering my current situation. The guy I cheated on him with was dating one of my friends at the time. I know it sounds bad..well it is bad I suppose. I had always sort of found him attractive since we met but we were always just friends..I even helped him pick out presents for his girlfriend. I always just thought he saw me as his girlfriend's friend. It started out with texts that got a little too friendly...I was honestly shocked he was even interested, my friend is tiny, although she does have an unfortunate nose...Anyways, one thing led to another and we eventually progressed to hooking up. The thing is, it's different with him. I actually care about him. It's not one of those raunchy one nightstand experiences that ends in hangovers and regret. Maybe that's worse..that I actually have feelings for him. He's single right now..and my boyfriend is going to be in a different city for 4 months. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to.  

But there is one thing I know. I want to use these 4 months to lose the weight. 10 pounds a month is my goal and I feel like there is really no excuse not to get there. Maybe all my problems will seem less important when I look in the mirror and see the hot bitch that I'm meant to be lol. This is the only part of my life that I feel like I have any control over right now so I better do a fucking good job of it. I'm really going to try to do this the healthy way and end my cycle of binging out of control and then over restricting. So if anyone cares, here is the plan.

• 1200 Net calories per day - log weight and calories daily
• Try to eat as healthy, fresh foods as much as possible - no crap diet food with no nutritional value
• Max. 1 diet pop per day and 1 low-cal hot beverage when needed - lots of water
• Start out with cardio (elliptical) Monday, Wednesday and Friday for 45 minutes
•  Weight circuit Tuesday, Thursday, Satursday 

So what do you guys think? I think it's totally doable and I should be able to maintain it long term. I'm starting out with moderate cardio and one day of rest so that when my weight loss slows or plateaus I can bump up the time and/or add the extra day. See this is what I know how to do..plan, count, measure, (hopefully) lose weight. Sorting through the rest of my life just seems like an overwhelming task. So I'll leave that for another day. Maybe.