Don't stop until he cares.

CW: 157.5

I know, disgusting. But don't worry girls, soon I'll have 4 months to eat and do whatever the fuck I want, and lose as much weight as I can because my boyfriend is leaving. He took a job in another city for next semester even though he got offered a job here. Staying here with me is worth less than $3 more an hour I guess. Before I was pissed, and sad thinking about coming home to an empty apartment every night. But you know what, I'm going to make the best of this. In 4 months I'm going to lose 40 pounds. I'm going to lose so much that everyone will be worried about me, he will be worried about me. I'm going to need your help and support more than ever, I can't do this alone. But I want this. I'm back in the mindset I was when I lost my first 20 lbs. I'm going to the gym tonight. And everyday until we go home for Christmas break. My goal is to be under 150 by December 14. Then to be 115 by the end of April. I'm fucking tired of squeezing into skinny jeans that give me a disgusting muffin top. I'm tired of feeling fat and disgusting in anything fitted. I want to be hot. 

I told him I want to see other people during the 4 months he is away. Mostly I just think I can't stay faithful with him being gone that long and I'd rather not have guilt fucking up my weight loss. I also want to get a part time job so I can buy fabulous clothes to fit my fabulous new body. It's going to be a busy semester but busy is good. Busy means not sitting at home thinking about food. I want to see it. 115. The day when I look down at the scale and see that number will be a happy one. Let's do it bitches.

Back to work.

CW: 155.5 

I don't know how that happened. I haven't been exercising. Or watching what I eat. But I haven't gained. I think it's a gift, a second chance. I need to get back to basics, to what I really want. What I really want is to get to 115. What I really want is to go into a store, see something I like, grab a size small and look amazing.  I've found my motivation again, and what I really want is to see thin in the mirror and lower numbers on the scale. Even though I haven't gained I'm miserable. I feel like a failure when I'm not working out and counting calories. I don't know who I am without that. 

So what have I missed? I applied for a job at a clothing store, even got an interview. Haven't heard back from them yet but I'm really hoping I get the job. I basically want it so that I have money to shop. Right now I have enough money to go to school, pay the bills and buy groceries but I want to be able to buy the clothes that I want. I want a closet full of beautiful, tiny clothes that I look hot in. I'm not buying anything until I at least get to 145. That's the deal I made with myself. The only downside to getting the job is I will be super busy and I probably won't be able to go see my family over Christmas break :/ Living with the boyfriend has been going really well, although I did slip up once. I really love him, I'm going to try and make this work. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow. I'm so excited, I've missed her a lot. It's only for a few days though which sucks, I know I'm not going to want to leave.

I'm tired of maintaining, I want to see bones. It's time to get back to work. I know what I want now, and it's not this.

My dream..

I just want to be skinny.

I just want to be beautiful.

I just want to be irresistible.  

Is that too much to ask?

 

I have to do this.

So I've decided there is no choice here. I have to do this. I have tons of clothes in my closest that I want so badly to fit into again. Specifically a pair of dark skinny jeans and a hot red dress that I just bought for going out. I need to be able to go and buy a sexy fitted dress and not have to worry about my body. I want to be proud of it. I want to be confident, happy, beautiful, smart. I just want to be as close to perfect as I can get and the fact that I'm not moving in the right direction right now is stressing me out. After tomorrow I have 2 weeks with no exams, no assignments. I'm going to focus hard on losing weight and I'm going to do it. I'm going to get to 150 and beyond. I'm going to get myself to where I want to be and I'm going to be happy again. I don't want to go back, I need to move forward. No looking back. You have to be skinny to wear skinny jeans. 

Losing it.

School is killing me. I'm living off 4 hours of sleep a night and I can't stop eating. I haven't weighed myself in days. I'm losing control, it's slipping away...help me, catch me before I fall into a depression of fat and failure. I feel too helpless and too far gone to get back on track. I'm losing it. 

 

Sorry.

CW: 157.5
GW 2: -2.5
GW 6: -42.5


I'm sorry for neglecting you guys. I have been reading about your lives when I get a chance but life is busy. I don't get much time without my boyfriend around. I wanted to be at my 2nd goal weight before I posted again so I'm sorry for letting you down. I'll make it up to you with lots of awesome thinspo ;) The only reason I'm not already there is because I spend half the weekend drunk and eating crap. I still have 42.5 lbs to lose, I can't afford setbacks every weekend. I think I'm just going to stay home and watch movies with my boyfriend and study this weekend. I'm so anxious to get to 155 and beyond..I've been stuck here for a while. I'm still sticking to around 1200 calories a day and I've been doing an hour of elliptical 6 days a week. I'll add weights back in once I lose some weight, I just need to get some pounds off before I lose motivation. 

Thank you girls so much for your support on my last post, for not judging me. I'm glad I'm not alone and that there are people out there who understand. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about how I was feeling. I didn't tell him about the guy but I told him that I sometimes feel like we never got to be single and just have fun, that we maybe missed out on figuring out what we want. Well that didn't work. He bawled his eyes out. He's a pretty manly guy, 6'1, 190 lbs and he was laying in our bed crying. He was basically like I know your the one, I love you so much, I never want to lose you...I really don't know what to do. I love him, I know that much. But I also can't just ignore the fact that when I go out and drink I want to hook up with other guys. Today is going to be a tough day. I don't have any classes on Thursday, so I'm home alone all day. I just want to eat so I don't have to think. I want to be numb for a while. But I also want more than anything to be thin..maybe I can convince myself not to. Let's make a list, I'm a fan of lists.


I want to lose weight to:
1. Fit into clothes I haven't worn in ages
2. Feel confident and love my body
3. Look great in anything
4. Feel sexy naked
5. See a gap between my thighs and ribs through my shirt
6. See old friends and look amazing and thin
7. Hear "You're so skinny!"
8. Be able to wear a bikini
9. Have guys want me
10. Be confident enough to meet new people and make friends


I have so much homework to do but I'm so tired. I just want to curl up in bed and wake up when I'm thin. Here's some wintery thinspo. Maybe by winter I'll be skinny. Love you girls.