Hey girls.

CW: 155.5

I've been so busy, stressed, sad, lonely...I've lost weight but I hate to admit not in a healthy way. For the past week I just haven't had an appetite which is really strange for me. Usually I love food..but there's just..nothing. I've been barely eating just because I have no interest. I don't think its a good sign that when I'm hungry my first instinct is no longer to eat. I think it's a combination of exhaustion, stress and loneliness. I have no motivation for anything right now. No desire to get out of bed in the morning, study, eat...it's bad. I do find it comforting that I'm losing weight though. When everything else is falling down around me at least I have that. I'm sorry I've been neglecting you...like I said I have zero motivation. I really hope you all are doing well, or at least better than I am. I'm so tired, my bed is calling my name..

 

Back to class.

CW: 163

Classes are stressing me out. There is one that I really don't want to take but I can't find anything decent that fits my schedule to take instead. I'm on the wait list for a couple right now, so wish me luck. I'm also SUPER stressed about finding a job for the summer because I have to work full time for my program. Anyways, enough about that.

I convinced my bf to spend the money to come visit me this weekend :) I bribed him the cake and sex lol. I'm going to buy ingredients tomorrow to make a vanilla layer cake with vanilla butter cream. I'm hoping that I will be strong enough not to eat any, I'm pretty good at baking. I'm so happy he's coming, gives me something to look forward to. I know I'm going to want him to come every weekend but he probably shouldn't. The whole point of him being there for the semester is to save money for school. I just wish he was here.

Lonely.

CW: 164

I already miss him so much and it's only been a couple days. Living alone is..lonely. I want him to come over and visit this weekend but the ferry costs money that he doesn't have yet. I'm debating paying for him because I really want to see him but I also don't want to seem needy and pathetic. I just wish he was here. I'm hoping that when school gets going and as time goes by it will be easier to be alone. 


Yesterday I got a new shower curtain, bath mat, clock and lamp for my apartment but I'm still on the hunt for chic purple couch cushions. I need to go to the bookstore to get my textbooks but I'm lazy and it's always so crazy busy this time of year. Tomorrow is my first day of classes and it's kind of a long day. I have no idea what I'm going to wear, nothing fits me right now. I literally have nothing to wear. But I don't want to spend any money on fat clothes :( This is what I get for eating crap for weeks I guess. Hope you guys are having a better day than me.

Ashamed.

First of all I just want to thank you all for your amazing support and love, it made me feel so much better. I don't know what I do without you. I can't believe I gained so much over Christmas break. I guess I should have expected it, I basically had a 3 week binge. I don't even want to say...but I have to. I have to hold myself accountable to you guys, whether it's good news or bad. My starting weight for 2012 is

 

166 

Yuck. So I have more weight to lose than I thought, 51 lbs to be exact. But I can do it, I want this. I got lots done today, including filling my fridge with healthy food. I also built the nightstand that I got from Ikea and am planning on going to look at some more stuff for my apartment today. I'm on a decorating kick...I want my apartment perfect and beautiful, just how I plan to be. So if I'm going to lose this weight by the time my boyfriend gets back in May I'll have to lose a little under 13 lbs a month. It's doable but difficult. I just need to work hard and stay dedicated.

Goal 1: 153 by February 1st

Goal 2: 140 by March 1st

Goal 3: 127 by April 1st

Goal 4: 115 by May 1st

May all our dreams come true in 2012, we deserve it.

Happy New Year.

Well I started out the new year with a bang...literally. Drunken bad sex with a guy I don't love, text the boyfriend and tell him I slept with someone else, fall asleep in my new silk sheets now tainted with guilt and adultery. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable in that bed again, no matter how many times I try to wash that feeling away. But yeah, I told him. Not everything, not about everyone but I told him about last night. He was hurt, he cried but he says he forgives me. I can only hope that nothing will have changed when we see each other. It's day 2 of living on my own and I'm already lonely and sad and missing him. One good thing came from last night though..I know that he is what I want. I have no desire to cheat again, I don't want to risk what we have again. I just hope that I can live with the guilt of the others. I can't tell him everything, he was so hurt by this. Today was awful, binged on greasy pizza and cried on my couch over all the mistakes I've made this past year. Cried for all the time wasted thinking there was something better out there. There isn't. I want to come home to my best friend, I laugh with him everyday. He's the one. 

I did manage to get my stuff unpacked and my place pretty much organized. That always makes me feel better. I need order because the clutter in my head is too much to bear. Tomorrow I'll get groceries and my textbooks, keep busy to fight off the loneliness. I think I should get tested for STIs. I hate doctors and needles and the awkwardness of it all but I need to suck it up and do it. I just want to be sure. God I hope I don't have anything.

So tomorrow is the start of the new me, it's my January 1st. No cheating, no binging, no procrastinating, no being lazy. Take care of my body, learn to walk in heels, buy nice clothes. He deserves to have the best version of me and I'm happiest when I'm reaching my full potential. I'm going to be 115 when he moves back and I will be happy. I'm going to get straight A+s again, secure a job for the summer and I'm going to be thin. I have nothing else to do but focus all my time and energy on losing weight and doing well in school. If I can't be happy while he's gone, I'm at least going to be successful. I'll post my starting weight and all that tomorrow. So here's to the new year. Please let it be better than the last.