CW: 154.8

Every day is a choice...

Who do you want to be?

Remain the same...

Or make it happen.

Average or exceptional,

Weak or strong...

What do you choose today?

2 Weeks

CW: 155.8 lbs

Well, it's a start. And I haven't been working all that hard lately to be honest. I've been eating pretty good but I'm just getting back to exercising. My plan is to do some form of exercise everyday until I go back home for school, which is in 2 weeks. My ex is picking me up from the airport...he offered, I accepted. Is that weird..? I've never done this whole break  up thing and I have mixed feelings about it to begin with. I'm thinking this could be a bad idea. But it's happening and I want to look as good as I possibly can by then. So no junk, no snacking and exercise everyday. I really want to see the 140's before I fly home on September 1st. I still have a long way to go but I think it would give me a good boost of motivation to keep going when I get home to see 149.9 on the scale. 

Speaking of going home I have SO much to do when I get there. The ex took the microwave, blender, toaster, pots, and glasses so I have to get all that stuff plus books for school, gym pass, parking pass...it's gonna be an expensive week. But I did get a couple scholarships and have saved all the money I've made this summer. What I really want to do is buy clothes but it seems like a waste of money when I'm this size :( Oh well, it will be a good reason to get the weight off. 

The breakup..I don't even know how I feel. What if I never find someone that loves me as unconditionally as he did? What if I never find anything better that what we had? Then at the same time, I know we want different things in life. I know that if I was really happy in our relationship, I wouldn't have had a wandering eye...I just don't like being alone. I've never had to live without him there. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.. Anyway, here's some random inspiration/things I'm obsessed with! Enjoy ;)

Brightly coloured hair <3 Don't think I could ever pull it off but I love it

Spiked Heels..On my wish list

Blinged out phone cases...Thinking about trying to make my own

Boyfriend watches and stacked bracelets <3 

Tattoos..I have such mixed feelings about them. I think they can be so beautiful but I don't 

know if they're me. And I would have no idea what to get. But I do adore them.

Skulls, black, blonde hair love. And of course thin is always in. 

We can be whoever we want to be...What have you done to get there today?

Weigh In

CW: 157.6


I'm pretty happy with that number at the moment. At one point this summer I was up to 163 so it feels good to be back in the 150s. I've been eating healthy and walking this big hill with my mom a few times a week. I'm excited to get home and back to friends and my nice gym and freedom. I've loved spending time with my mom but I need to go out and have some fun. And I'm sick of working full time. 


My ex and I have been texting a bit and it's making things a little easier. Maybe we can be friends? He offered to pick me up from the airport when I fly home at the end of the summer so hopefully that works out and I can save the cab fare. And if it does work out, I need to look thinner and hotter than when he last saw me. So let's talk goals...


GW1: 145 by September 4 (when I start school)
GW2: 130 by October 31, 
GW3: 120 by Christmas break


Other goals:
-make some new friends and strengthen my relationships with old ones
-take a dance class
-get some cute house stuff for my apartment
-get all A+'s and A's again this semester
-don't skip any classes
-date
-get a part time job
-whiten my teeth
-gym at least 5 days a week (every morning before class)
-get enough sleep
-take better care of myself in general (skin, hair, nails, teeth, body)


That gives me about 5 months to lose 37.6 lbs. I think that's totally doable. The first goal might be a little hard to hit, 12.6 in a little over a month, but I'm going to try. I really want to get some cute clothes for going back to school but I'm not going to until I hit my goal. 


My mom's current boyfriend bought her and I a day at the spa, so that should be fun! We both get to have a manicure, pedicure, facial, massage and sauna. That will be such a nice way to wrap up the summer. Now for some inspiration to keep us all motivated. 

Do it for short shorts <3

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Why is this so hard all of a sudden? I chose this, I wanted this. And I was so sure. Now...I'm not, I guess. Just thinking of all the things that will remind me of him makes me sad. I won't have him to laugh with, to tell about my day, to come home to. No one to turn to when I'm stressed, upset, lonely. But is he what I really want? I don't think so...I think I just want someone. I have to remind myself why I did this, that there was no spark left, we wanted different things, I'm not ready to settle down at 20...I couldn't stay faithful to him. Maybe I could have tried harder. I don't know. What I do know was that he was my life for 4 years. Now what? I just want to tell him how much I hate it all. That I'm sad and I want him to hold me and make everything okay. But I can't. It's over. I wonder if he still loves me. I wonder if I'll regret this one day or if I made the right decision. 


I haven't been exercising lately but I haven't been eating a whole lot either. I think I've lost, I'll weigh myself soon. I'll get back to exercising sometime in the next couple days. When I go back to school, I have pretty much the perfect schedule. I don't start class until 1:00pm everyday so I'll go to the gym in the morning and get it over with. I'll also be able to eat lunch at home, which is nice. I hope this sadness passes soon. I hope I can hold  back how I'm feeling about all this and just wait it out, see how it goes. Maybe one day we'll find our way to each other again. But for now I think this is the right thing. I hope it is. 

  

Secrets.

He was only in town for a few hours. And we couldn't go to my place since my (now ex) boyfriend was sleeping in our bed. It was past midnight when he picked me up outside my apartment, after I'd made up something about going to see the girls that was barely believable. So where to? I know a parking lot that's private I'll tell you where to go. When we get there, we get out and he kisses me against the car. It takes my breath away. I haven't felt that spark, that heat in so long. When his hand slides up my dress I forget everything else. The world fades away and I'm lost. After our few hours together he takes me to Denny's for breakfast, the only thing open, and we watch the sun rise over pancakes. I can't help but wonder if the waitress notices his wedding ring.

Changes

Well...where to even start. It's been so long. I'm sorry for the absence. I've missed reading about your lives and feeling connected to this world of support and non-judgement. It's hard to explain why I even left, it wasn't really a conscious decision. Life just happened I guess.

So I guess the biggest and most recent change in my life is that I am newly single. This past weekend I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and my first love. The boy I've been sharing my life with and planning my future with. I went to visit him last weekend, as I am spending the summer with my mom in another city, and I just knew it was over. There was just nothing left. No excitement to see him, no spark left in our kiss, no desire for him to touch me. Maybe it was all the months spent apart. Maybe it was the guilt of all the horrible things I've done to him over the years. I guess it doesn't really matter because I know this is what I have to do now. I am not willing to settle for a relationship without passion, without fire. I am too young to settle for a good companion for the rest of my life and in a moment of clarity I realized we both deserve better. For so long I ignored the issues, stayed with him and did what I wanted behind his back. It was just time.

So now I'm trying to get my life and my body back on track. Picking up the pieces and putting them together as best I can. I don't think I can be with anyone else until I am happy with myself. I haven't really gained much since my last post, maybe a few pounds. But I'm not any closer to where I want to be either. Maybe now that I'm free of an unhealthy relationship and the weight of guilt, I can build the life I really want for myself. 

I want friends. Real close friends that I feel close and connected to. Not just people that I keep around so I'm not alone. And I want to date. I want to find someone that gives me butterflies and makes me remember what love feels like. Most of all I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. Look at pictures of myself without feeling horrified and embarrassed. If I can accomplish that, I think the rest will follow. Because when I'm not spending my energy hiding and feeling self-conscious, maybe I'll be someone that others want to be around. I really just want to have a fun year. Feel free and happy and alive for once.

So I'm hoping to get to 140 by the end of August. And then get to 120-125 and see how I feel. I need to do this for myself, and for once I feel like i deserve it. Right now I'm on the right track to getting there. My mom and I have been walking this big hill about 5 times per week. It take about an hour so not a bad workout. And we've been eating pretty healthy. So far I've managed to stay out of my "it's never enough" mindset. I'm trying to do things moderately, hopefully I'll be content with slow and steady progress. I just need things to change. And I plan on making it happen. 

 

Is anybody listening?

It's been so long that I've been gone. I feel like I need a place to share my thoughts, life, journey again...Is anybody listening?